Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt is Real

Mom Guilt is REAL. No one truly prepares new moms for the weight of mom guilt. And it quite possibly may be impossible to prepare someone for the weight of it. I remember receiving lots of preemptive encouraging statements from other moms while pregnant with my first child. They sounded great and I received them with enthusiasm and I stowed them away. But much like real storage bins full of seasonal decor and gift wrappings, I forgot which bin they were in and couldn’t find them in my moment of need and wound up searching for new resources in that new season. And much like seasonal decor, I found resources in the $1 section that only lasted for their price. What I needed was Hobby Lobby quality decor, but resorted to using chipped and cheap trinkets trying to fill the need; which inevitably left me feeling unprepared, not qualified, and not adult enough for this gig.

A weird metaphor, I know, but one that I feel is fitting for me. See we all have the $1 section know how–statements like, “You’re doing the best you can”, “It’s just a phase”, “You’ll laugh about this later.” All of these statements are true. But like $1 section trinkets, they only last/help for so long.

What we need (what I needed) was someone to tell me that yes, mom guilt is real, but it is also a LIE!

Wait, what? Didn’t you just say that mom guilt is real?

Yep.

But now you’re saying mom guilt is a lie.

Yep.

It took me a long time to grasp this…and it’s still a cyclical trap that I fall into; but the reality is, guilt is not a Fruit of the Spirit, so how can it be anything but a trap from the enemy.

The Fruit of the Spirit is

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

Nowhere in that list do I see Guilt. In fact the Bible says that there is “No condemnation in Christ.” Romans 8:1

Now, before we go any further, let me clarify some things. This is in NO WAY an excuse to cover up for or justify abuse, neglect, or allow discipline that has gone too far to be cleared of guilt. This topic today is covering the mom guilt we all experience when we see the other mom with all the organic snacks, the tidy home, the kids with their hair done and matching socks on and we think… “Man, I suck! I fed my kids red dye 40 at breakfast and put shoes with no socks on their feet to church” (all things that I did this week, btw).

Last week we discussed the comparison trap–If we compare and compete, we will live in defeat. Again, very applicable to this topic and great ground work. When we stop comparing ourselves to other moms and their kids and their home lives, the “guilt” will almost all but diminish away. Some guilt, though, is not rooted in comparison. Some guilt stems from circumstances beyond our control and the “what if” lines we run through our heads.

“What if I had known I was pregnant earlier? Could I have prevented their deformity?” “What if I had realized sooner that the fever was a sign of a deeper issue?” “Why can’t I produce enough milk for my baby? Am I trying hard enough?”“Am I doing this right?” “Are they eating enough?” “Is their speech on target for their age?”

The hypothetical wheel of questions we all ask ourselves is a major valve to the guilt faucet. But we have the power to turn that faucet off.

Again, before we go further, let me encourage you to ALWAYS trust your gut and dig deeper when some of these hypothetical questions pose more than just a guilt cycle…the Holy Spirit will guide you when you need to dig deeper and get more answers. Remember, today, we are focusing on the guilt cycle, and not nullifying the need and importance to sometimes search for more answers for our kids.

Know your Identity

First thing we need to know as a parent is our identity.

Imagine applying for a role as a CEO of a company, never having gone to business school and not knowing anything about the company you will be running, their product, their services, or their employees. It might be possible after a highly rough season to actually be successful as long as you have a full job/role description. If you know what is expected of you, then you can have a premise for where to start and begin to check some things off your list each day. Without a job description though, it might be impossible to keep the company afloat and the company might even eventually implode and shut down.

Parenthood is actually very similar to this scenario. You gain the role as the CEO of a family that came with no former knowledge of the new employees and how they operate; you’re learning the product as you go, and the trajectory of the company is constantly changing. I’ve heard it said often, “If only these children came with an operation manual.”

Suddenly finding yourself the CEO of this 24hr company is incredibly difficult and near impossible if you don’t know your job description.

This is where knowing your identity comes into play.

The Lord did not accidentally throw you into a position that you were not designed for–even if you began as a teen mom with a surprise blessing. It didn’t take the Lord by surprise.

The day you gave your life to Christ he called you a “New Creature.” You were then given the Holy Spirit to empower you and comfort you in ALL things.

You have access to the Father of Fathers and all His wisdom available to you (“If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of the Father in my name, and I will give to him liberally and without reproach.” James 1:5-7)

You are a sinner saved by grace and called to tell other sinners about this abundant grace and redemption.

You have a job description–

1.Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength;

2.Love your neighbor as yourself. And

3.To go and make disciples.

But Hannah, how does that have ANYTHING to do with parenting and mom guilt?

You ARE a sinner. You will forever do things WRONG. You will FAIL. You WILL have a bad attitude. You will SAY the wrong thing. You will have REGRETs.

BUT

You have abundant grace through the Father so when you do these things unintentionally and “act out” in front of your kids, you have forgiveness with the Father and have the power to then FORGIVE YOURSELF and ask forgiveness of your kids and spouse.

You have abundant grace through the Father so when your kids sin, do things wrong, fail, have a bad attitude, say the wrong things, have regrets and act out, you can show them the grace of the Father and represent Christ’s eternal love to them.

When you love the Lord with all that is within you and show that to those around you and show your kids how to do the same, you are fulfilling that job description daily.

Your job description is to model Christ in all things. Hear me. I am not saying to be perfect; but in our imperfect way, represent Christ, being humble enough to apologize when we get it wrong.

But we can’t represent Christ well if we aren’t speaking the correct narrative to ourselves.

Your Daily Narrative

Self-talk is powerful. I’m not promoting new age mumbo jumbo and saying to create your reality. What I am saying is what you meditate on, you become. That is why it’s so crucial to meditate on the Word of God and to filter and control your thoughts. Did you know that the majority of high capacity CEOs and leaders quote daily affirmations or practice some form of meditation to start their day? What you speak to yourself has impact.

If your daily self-talk includes guilt over snacks, guilt over juice boxes, guilt over skipping playdates, guilt over food stamps, guilt over lack of routine, guilt over pre-pregnancy circumstances, guilt over missing clues, etc. then you need to switch that “stinking thinking.” Find the gratitude in each element/moment and meditate on that. Oftentimes, situations are complicated and demised more by our own thoughts than the actual reality of it. And even when it really is a sucky situation, finding the good will keep hope alive and your spirit revived.

So maybe they aren’t all organic, clean ingredient, homemade snacks; but your child is fed and happy and sees your care for them. Maybe the playdate gets skipped again because you just can’t handle the hassle of getting everyone out the door right now; but that means you just made the best mental health choice for the FAMILY not just you. You knew and honored the boundary that will help you be the best mom that day rather than grouching over an afternoon the kid will forget in a months time. Maybe you don’t have a colored coordinated and perfectly stickered routine; but your child is experiencing the joy of spontaneity and free thinking, living in the moment. Maybe you’re unable to produce enough milk naturally to feed your baby, but praise the Lord you live in a period of time that has so many incredible formula options to see your baby be fed a highly nutritious substitute. I know these are surface level examples, but start with the surface and in time, that topsoil will move and you’ll be shoveling the hard and deeper areas into a focal point of gratitude and positivity. Remember, how you think is how you’ll perceive. How you perceive things determines how you act. So if we want to act like Christ, we have to meditate on good and not evil. Guilt is not of God.

Joy, Love, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control are what we should meditate and act on.

So the next time your kid’s shoes are on the wrong feet, know you operated in patience waiting on them to complete an independent task and had self-control not to interfere.

Or the next time your child is eating Welch’s fruit gummies and Pringles for breakfast AGAIN,

know you showed faithfulness in ensuring they had a full tummy before their day started and will show gentleness as you lead them into new options when they are in a more rational state.

Inviting Christ into the moments that bombard us with guilt, allows us to operate in and meditate on the fruit of the Spirit rather than spiraling ourselves into a downward trajectory of speaking and listening to the lies of the enemy.

It Takes a Village

We’ve all heard it said, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Well, I agree with that but not in the traditional sense of the phrase. I believe it takes a village to raise a child because moms were not meant to raise children on their own (and I’m not talking about single parenting). High capacity CEOs and leaders have the habit of conversing with other high capacity leaders or even hire a coach to help them identify areas of their lives that need sharpening or new perspective. All moms need a community of mothers. A community where they are Iron Sharpening Iron and coaching each other in the hard moments and also eliminating the competitive culture that seeps into mom circles. Every mom needs another mom who will bring you coffee and sit on the floor with you and laugh about how your child has officially eaten the EXACT same thing for breakfast for one full year. You need moms who will do a kid swap with you for 3hrs because obviously our kids behave at each other’s homes and not our own. Basically, moms who help normalize and encourage and support you in the absolutely unscripted, unpreparable reality of motherhood so that we aren’t holding on to the guilt we feel when it’s been 4 days since the kids had a proper bath. Isolation is the breeding ground for guilt and negative self-talk.

Decide today that the next time you feel mom guilt creeping in, that you call it out as the lie that it is and rename it with the Fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control that can be applied or represented. Decide today to know your identity as a Christ follower take responsibility for walking in abundant grace and forgiveness towards yourself and short comings. Mom guilt is real. But God’s grace is more abundant.

Take-Aways:

Mom guilt is real; but it is a lie.

Guilt is not a Fruit of the Spirit.

Daily Meditate on the Good and Positive in each situation.

It takes a village. Find a non-competitive community of moms.

Resources:

Mommy Small Group

Facebook Mom Group

Inner Circle of Friends

**Personal Mom Fail**Guilt Turn Around:

Kekoa was just shy of 2yrs old.

It had been a week of snot, coughs, and restless sleep. But no fever. So San Antonio allergies was my diagnosis. So every night, I gave him a dose of benadryl before bed and dose of Zyrtec before daycare. For one whole week I did this. Then, Happy Birthday, Kekoa…Let’s go get your 2yr check up. The pediatrician asked how long his nose had been running and how long he had been coughing. I said non-chalantly, “About a week. These March allergies are hitting him hard.” To which his pediatrician kindly smiled and said, “Do you mind if I swab his nose and just make sure…I’m not so sure this is allergies.” The test came back for two strands of flu!!! I had been giving my poor child benadryl to treat him for flu. Talk about mom guilt! But in my wallows, a fellow mom simply shifted my thinking and said “Wow. What a blessing that he wasn’t feverish or cranky and that the Lord took such good care of him in the middle.’’ Perspective changes everything!