“If you compare and compete, you’ll live in defeat”—Some of the most profound yet simple words spoken by a beloved mentor of mine. They are applicable to every area of our lives from work life, family life, ministry life, and everything in between. Today, we’re going to look at their application to wifedom and motherhood.
I love being a part of the 21st century world. I love technology. I love the benefits of convenience and automated support. Modern medicine and procedures. Streaming entertainment, and, my absolute favorite, Amazon Prime (and every mom of two or more children shouted AMEN!). However, just like those reels I mentioned in my last post that have the ability to help me not feel so isolated on the struggle bus of motherhood, they also have a major stronghold on me to compare my home, my kids, my husband, my methods, and my life to others and become very dissatisfied with my piles of laundry, unwashed hair, generic make-up, and undocumented romance.
Crazy how the same tool that helps me cope in one area can cause my downfall in another.
Compare and Compete, Live in Defeat.
I remember one of Chris and I’s first major fights in our marriage was after I had fallen to the comparison game. I had this idea of what I thought a true representation of Christopher’s love for me in our relationship should look like from what a co-worker had shared that her husband did for her each day. I immediately fell to a comparison game that caused my mind to spiral into a downward plummet of thoughts that Chris “was oblivious to me and my needs;” “He must not care. How selfish!” I harbored these comparisons in my mind and allowed them to take root until I could no longer hide the sprouts that I had watered in quiet; and when the seedlings sprouted–well…shouts and words transpired. Blindsided by unspoken and unrealistic expectations, Chris and I had one of our largest fights to date. All because I compared my life to someone else’s. I spent so much time focusing on and ruminating on what Chris “didn’t do” that I missed all the unique, to him, ways he was showing me affection.
Unfortunately, this was not the only time I allowed that to happen. In work, I would compare my classroom to other’s. Discontent that my decor did not always match and my shelves didn’t have as many organization bins and that I didn’t change my theme each year. I was so dissatisfied that I didn’t have the finances to have the cute pinterest classroom like some of my teammates. I focused so much on what I didn’t have that I often missed taking in what I did have. A husband who would come and help set up and tear down my classroom. Students and parents who showered me with personal gifts and affirmations. They didn’t notice my room wasn’t pin worthy. But I allowed the sin of comparison to stir up dissatisfaction.
When I became a mom, once again, comparison crept in. I didn’t have a Pin worthy nursery and all the toys weren’t the wooden Melissa and Doug items or the montessori learning tools. I had mixed and matched plastic toys that were pre-owned with missing parts and stains. And each time we received something into our home from someone I would be so grateful for the blessing (for almost every single item that we had for Kekoa was free–given out of the generosity of others); and I would be so happy with everything, until I would visit another mommy’s living room and see all the matching and coordinating colors and montessori and M&D toys; or until I opened my pinterest or facebook to see other new moms have all these pin worthy nurseries.
Dissatisfied I would begin to fantasize of what it would be like to have all the things and money not be an issue.
Stop Fantasizing. Start Envisioning.
That is where the Lord called me out. Fantasizing is meditating on something that stirs up unrest and dissatisfaction with where you are. Something seemingly perfect and probably unattainable. In fact, fantasizing can become an addiction and an escape from reality. Just like how fantasies can become a downfall in the sexual realm, fantasies can be a downfall in the “material” realm.
Fantasizing stirs up dissatisfaction, a want for an escape, envy, sets unrealistic endeavors, expectations, and desires, and miscues our priorities.
Instead of fantasizing about what we don’t have, we should be practicing not only gratitude for what we do have (this will be a post later on), but also, practicing envisioning what we can do/accomplish with what we do have.
Envisioning is the process of identifying how you want to feel and what you want the most in a realistic and achievable scenario.
I was getting so lost in the fantasy of a perfect environment and perfect resources that I was missing out on seizing and envisioning the present mom with the fun toys and the memories to build. The “perfect pin worthy” nursery was going to be “out of style” in 3 years but the fun moments and perfect memories with mom would be for a lifetime. I had to start envisioning how I wanted to make the most of what I had and what I wanted my children to remember from this time and what I wanted to remember. Finding true contentment in where I was.
Philippians 4:11 “11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
I had to stop fantasying about something so fleeting and start envisioning something far more impactful. And more importantly, Learn to live and be happy in contentment.
I wish I had read Learning Contentment by Nancy Wilson 7yrs ago. I would like to think that it would have saved me from years of unrest and frustration with our incomplete home projects and our hand-me-down furniture, unpainted walls, and confused decor; but in actuality, I’m not sure I was prepared to listen and identify where I was. And on the otherside, I find I am so much more intensely grateful and immensely content in all circumstances that I find myself. That is not to say that I don’t still have days where I am anxious or make an Amazon Wishlist. But the anxiety, I am more quick to identify and surrender and I can walk away from the wishlist or the Pinterest board feeling inspired and not lacking.
Bumper Guards
I married a super human. Like for real.
Chris is one of those strange creatures that everything comes easy to him (insert annoyed eye roll). He didn’t have to study in college, he can sing in harmony, dance with NSYNC suave, played baseball, basketball, and varsity football (played football at Rutgers University!—I mean, come on!), and does amazing at any new sport he picks up—recently won a pickle ball tournament, golfs great, and has now run multiple Spartans! He is a great communicator, writer, and makes friends easily. I think I have made my case–Super Human. Basically, look for his character on the next D.C. movie.
I, on the other hand, am extremely uncoordinated, can’t keep rhythm, and don’t even get me started on sports…like, I’m the girl that crosses my arms over her face and screams when I see the ball coming at me.
The only thing I can do is bowl. Like…I’m pretty good. But it didn’t come naturally. I had to work at it—like most humans (my husband excluded). Something that really helped me learn, was bumper guards! That’s right. I used to bowl with bumpers! No shame!
But after a season of having to use bumper guards for every game, I was able to remove them for the second half after having a few warm up bowls. Then eventually, I was able to remove them altogether. Do I still throw a gutter ball or two. Yep. But they are so much fewer and far between. Again, I’m not the super human in our marriage.
And just like I had to use bumper guards to get good at bowling, I had to use bumper guards to get a solid foundation in contentment and curb the temptation to compare.
Bumper Guard 1:
I stopped watching mushy romance movies.
Ladies, this can be a huge litmus test for where you are. When you turn the show or movie off, do you feel dissatisfied with your reality? The reality of your relationship with your spouse, kids, family, co-workers, etc?
The reality is…those movies and shows are fantasies. Even the “reality tv shows.” It’s not reality. No one is waking up and working a 9-5 job and then going to the bachelor’s mansion all stressed out about the deadlines, the bounced check, the burnt dinner, or the sick kid.
All “reality tv” is masked in a facade of perfect circumstances devised for dramatic tv.
Movies that show the swept off your feet romances are sweet and nothing inherently wrong with them…as long as you’re not walking away comparing their portrayed romance to yours and where yours may fall short of a movie script and directing.
Life does not imitate art—it’s a fantasy. One that can be fun but may need to be participated in with caution.
If this is not where you are, then that is great. For me, I had to cut that out for a season until I could bowl a strike without that guardrail.
Bumper Guard 2:
I stopped going on Pinterest and stopped shopping at Target. I removed the comparison and the tantalizing lure of things I couldn’t have.
I know some moms have boycotted Target for other reasons, mine was not as morally profound as that. I realized that every time I walked into Target I grew dissatisfied with what I had and resentful that I didn’t have the money to buy out Target. Or I would spend way outside my limit and try to find ways of justifying why it was necessary, okay, or was deserving of it. Had “Girl Math” been a thing years ago…I would have definitely been using girl math for all my Target expenditures.
I was able to add Pinterest back into my life a lot sooner than Target. Target was too tangible and too “just out of reach” for me to be content.
I love Target’s stuff still but now it has no stronghold on me and I am able to bowl strikes almost every time I leave their store.
Bumper Guard 3:
I told my best friend everything and walked through it with someone else.
Find Accountability. Accountability is key in every area of life.
My bestie lives in Frisco and we Marco Polo back and forth about everything. My husband thinks our MPs are RIDICULOUSLY long. And they are. We usually record at least a 30min monologue to each other and then in the next day or two we get a response.
But it kept me sane. Knowing someone knew and was going through some of the same things (though my bestie is way more level headed than I am and so she mostly listened and just waited for me to come to my senses–she’s #goals) and not judging me was EVERYTHING.
These may not be your particular Bumpers that you need. And that is okay. Find what will help you not play the comparison game in your life so that you can live in a content, joy and gratitude filled life. When we eliminate the comparisons in our life, it frees us up to be present and purposeful with what we have and where we are.
“If you compare and compete, you’ll live in defeat”–Jeanne Mayo
Take-Aways:
•Compare and Compete-Live in Defeat
•Stop Fantasizing. Start Envisioning.
•Install Bumper Guards–Identify What Needs to be Eliminated for a Season
Resources:
Learning Contentment by Nancy Wilson
Your Accountability Partner
Grit and Glitter 
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