These next few weeks I am going to be focusing some attention on mental health in motherhood. Man. What a cycle. When we feel like we are winning, we are WINNING; and when we feel like we are losing we are LOSING! In other words, the highs are high and the lows are low. And more often than not it feels very lonely both at the top and at the bottom. No one seems to be present when we are having our super mom days to witness and congratulate and applaud and show the world what an Amazing job we are doing. And when we have our mom fail days and our low moments it feels as if either all eyes are on us judging us or it is so lonely and feels as if we are the only possible person dealing with this issue, this chaos, this turmoil, this financial struggle and these whiny kids. And NO ONE could possibly understand.
Momma, I see you. And Momma, I’m there with you. The mental mind games in motherhood are endless and sometimes completely overwhelming. We often question, “Is it supposed to be this hard?” “Is it just me?” “Are my kids the only ones?” Side note: Can I just say…I am grateful for Instagram reels! It daily reminds me that I am NOT in fact the only one and the fact that other moms can make light of it and add humor to my day helps SO much…but unfortunately, it only helps after the fact…not during the moment.
This is where practicing some practicals can alleviate the mind games and cause them to sometimes switch tracks or even unrail completely and allow for a more rational and calm and TRUE train of thought to run. We will be looking through various mental struggles over this next month.
I’m Done!!!
I remember very clearly, it was a Sunday morning. We had just recently moved. I had woken up a little late (exhausted from all the packing and unpacking and attempting to get the house ready for a large event we were crazy enough to host within the first week of moving into our new home). I was scrambling to make breakfast that every kid refused to eat to which I had begun to respond with “fine be hungry at church, I tried” and was beginning to snap with little fiery comments along the way. It followed with continued demands of “go get dressed”. “Brush your teeth”. “Stop pulling the toys out”. “Stop asking and start doing”. I was spiraling and the kids were becoming the victim to my inability to assess where I was. As we got closer to being “ready” to leave, I had shouted up the stairs multiple times for everyone to get their shoes on. Third time was the “charm”. All three came down the stairs while I changed the baby. But I once again had to tell them to put shoes on. The boys finally put their shoes on. And what I didn’t know was that Leilani still had not put her shoes on because she wasn’t sure which shoes matched and was waiting on my help. So thinking everyone is ready to go, only to discover after I have put the diaper bag on my shoulder and the different bags for each classroom on my arm, the baby on my hip, and the Bible under my other arm and the coffee in my not so free hand that I finally noticed Leilani in fact did NOT have shoes on.
I LOST IT!
Imagine the loudest most shrill screaming voice (like I really hope the neighbors weren’t home…because who knows what they think of me now) yelling “Why don’t you have shoes on?!” I threw everything I was holding (except the baby) and threw my hands in the air and shouted “I quit! I’m done!”
The reality of it is that it wasn’t about the shoes…it was all the things leading up to it. The move. Sleeping in. Feeling stressed and rushed. Not having any routine for weeks. Not getting my quiet time in. Unfair and unmerited frustration towards Chris that I had to do all the packing and unpacking since he was at work all day and some how still cook and grocery shop and homeschool and check-in with my clients and have the house ready for company in 7 days. (Notice all the selfish focus). But it was the “reality” I had allowed myself to dissolve into. They became my triggers.
Finding our Trigger:
The first practical we are going to look at today is our “Trigger.” I imagine most of us have heard this term before and have even used it…but have you taken the time yet to truly identify what your trigger is?
So what exactly is a trigger?
A trigger is something that ultimately causes us to REACT instead of RESPOND to our situation.
What does that mean?
When the toddler doesn’t put their shoes on for the 5th time while you are attempting to wrangle everyone out the door on time, instead of RESPONDING with a firm yet calm approach, we resort to yelling and hurling empty threats and consequences because we have been triggered. It’s not actually the act of the toddler not putting on their shoes –that was just the tipping point-the trigger came earlier. Perhaps the building time stress of getting somewhere on time. Perhaps the underlying stress of the purpose of the appointment you’re attempting to get to. Perhaps it’s been days with limited mental breaks and support. Or perhaps it is even just an empty love tank. Something bigger was at play before the shoes.
I HATE deadlines. Does having a deadline help me accomplish tasks on time?Absolutely. But it also causes my rational and calm brain to shut down and nullifies my ability to truly distinguish true priorities. In other words, I become a stress sponge in desperate need of being wrung out.
Time and Noise are my biggest triggers. Knowing this helps me to evaluate what I need to modify and/or shift when I feel pressure forming on the trigger and I feel the chamber about to release.
Before we can discuss ways to lessen triggers or lessen their intensity, it’s important to identify your main trigger. Take time to comb through different scenarios where you have had your biggest “blow ups” or “snaps” and look for the common denominator. Dive deeper than the surface level of tired, hungry, or whiny kids. Though those are valid contributors, rarely are they the true triggers.
Common triggers to look for are underlying stress cues such as time, work, finances, etc.
These tend to build and then when our kids or spouse “do something” that cramps our time or expectations, or plans it causes us to blow our fuse.
Overstimulation is another common trigger. Finding what overstimulates you is a HUGE help. I get easily overstimulated by noise. Put me in a loud room or a loud and chaotic environment for too long and ask me to think or communicate well and you will see me snap…my brain shuts down and I just want to run away.
For others, it’s touch. Constant human contact and interaction overstimulates their nervous system and so one more clingy action from either child or adult causes them to snap. Again, it’s not the whining or the ask for intimacy that is really the trigger. It was the things leading up to it.
These are just a few examples. I encourage you to really evaluate what your triggers are and track and see the common thread in your life/scenarios.
Reacting to Responding:
So what do we do when we know our triggers and how do we redirect ourselves from reacting to responding when we know we are triggered and at our witts end?
For me, it is literally closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before responding. Sometimes I even have to ignore the situation (if safe to do so) and go and lock myself in the master closet for 5mins and get composed and then go address the issue. This gives me the ability to shift my focus beyond the spilled glass of milk and see and evaluate why the spilled milk sent me over the edge. That rational perspective allows me space to respond in proportion to the circumstance. And when I don’t catch myself in time and I react instead of respond, whenever I realize my error, I have to take the time to humble myself and go apologize to my kids, spouse, or whomever received the brunt force of my emotions. This helps to reassign the hurt caused and bring it back to a rational place of learning and redemption.
Knowing my triggers of noise and time, I am also better able to preventatively control them. I do this by waking up extra early. This gives me literally “quiet time” before the kids and husband wake up and I am needed. When I wake up and am needed right away…it is really hard for me to get on track with the day with my responses. Also, my kids are LOUD! And when I have set the tone for myself and my home and get to greet my children in a calm and quiet manner versus them waking us up at their volume ten, I get to set myself and my day up for success.
And also by waking up early, I have much more time to get ready or do whatever my day demands at a much more leisurely pace. This has made a HUGE impact on my life. Simply waking up before my family. It was really hard at first, and some days it is still hard after a late night. But golly it is worth it!
I think it’s more than ironic that the Proverbs 31 woman is known for waking up early to be prepared for her day as well.
The Ultimate Help:
Going from a habit of reacting and moving to responding was not easy. And it didn’t come overnight. And still has to be an intentional action. But a huge stepping stone for me in the process was journaling and inviting the Holy spirit into the journey with me. Bringing it to Christ who brings no condemnation or shame to the table and allowing Him to author a new path and viewpoint for my struggle made it so much more achievable. I asked the Holy Spirit to bring quick conviction to me when I was getting off path and to humble me quickly so that I may make amends in a timely manner.
Learning to respond and give space for response and clarity for response allows for us to better integrate Christ into our response. Had I been rational in the moment with Leilani on that Sunday morning and not blown up, I would have been able to approach that scenario in a much more Christ like manner. Perhaps I could have gotten on her level and praised her for being conscientious to being dressed well for church and wanting input and then have reminded her, though, of the importance of obeying right away. That if she had not pushed her obedience off to the 4th time of me telling her to put shoes on, then we could have tried multiple pairs of shoes on; but that her delayed obedience did not allow that kind of time. I could have shown her in a practical and age appropriate way that delayed obedience still has consequences (her consequence being having to wear whatever shoes she could find the quickest whether they matched or not). Instead, she saw an explosion of emotion and then she mimicked the explosion because now she is being forced to wear her dirty shoes and they don’t match and now she is upset and doesn’t understand why.
In other words, allowing space for Christ to rule instead of our emotions.
Another key to success is reading other viewpoints about parenting and marriage from other women! I love what Emily Jensen and Laura Wifler have to say about motherhood and staying sane in the desperate moments of parenting in their book Risen Motherhood and their accompanying podcast. When they opened their book about the tails of potty training and posed the question “Is it supposed to be this hard?”…I knew they were my soul sisters sent from the Lord.
Find community. You are not alone in the struggle. Find a working moms group. A stay at home moms group. A family small group. Or start your own. But get in community where you are able to have others inspect what you may be missing too or have voices of those who have been there and can help alleviate the stress or help bring resolution to the struggles. Just don’t do this alone. Because you ARE NOT alone in how you feel.
And more importantly, you don’t have to remain stuck in that feeling. There is hope. There is a way to overcome. We’ll be diving deeper into the eternal aspect of motherhood later on.
Psalms 73:26
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Things to take away:
•Identify your triggers
•Inspect past scenarios for common denominators
•Take time to compose before confronting (when safe)
•Put preventative practices in place
•Invite Christ and the Holy Spirit into your space
•Find community
Resources:
Grit and Glitter 
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